Friday, June 20, 2008

God performing supernatural powers? Don't be silly!

Another day, another bizarre set of claims from John Hagee's FAQ section!

Q. Why is Bible prophecy so important? And what do you mean when you talk about the "rapture" of the church?

A. Prophecy

The art of making religious predictions that fail scientific analysis

is important because such a significant amount of Scripture is devoted to it: about one-quarter of the Bible was prophetic when it was written.

I’m dying to know what the definition of prophecy is now

Bible prophecy proves beyond any reasonable doubt that God knows and controls the future,

And writes fortune cookies, too!

and the fact that He included so much prophecy in His Word shows that He wants us to understand the things to come.

There’s an easier way for an all-knowing god to do that – make unambiguous statements like “automobiles will replace horses as the primary means of transportation in the 20th century” or “John Wooden will lead UCLA to seven straight NCAA basketball championships”. Please provide these from the bible!

Most of the events prophesied in Scripture have already come to pass, but some remain to be fulfilled at a later date, including the Rapture of the Church.

Including such specific claims as “Israel will ultimately prevail over its enemies" and "God will never forget the children of Israel"

While the term rapture is not used in the New Testament, the concept of a "catching away" is vividly described. It refers to a future event when the church-all members of the body of Christ, past and present-will be reunited with Jesus.

The door is that-a-way folks! Feel free to mosey on to Jesus. It’s been a slice!

First Thessalonians says, "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ [Christians who have died] will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord" (4:16-18; see also 1 Cor. 15:51-52).

Pretty stirring stuff coming out of those ancient goat herders! Bravo!

When will this take place? Although no one knows the day or the hour,

Which makes it one of the all time worst predictions ever. Seriously, what bookie would take that kind of bet?

“I’d like to bet $50 that Duke will win”

“Okay! I’ve got you down for $50 that Duke will win today”

“No! Not necessarily today. They’ll win…someday. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But they’ll win! I’m sure of it.”

the Bible describes the time period immediately preceding. I have written extensively about why I believe that the generation that is alive today will see the mass ingathering of believers commonly called the Rapture.

That might have something to do with whipping them into a religious frenzy whereupon they’ll hand you large chunks of money. I’m just saying.

The Bible says that as they did when Noah was building the ark, people on earth will be conducting their daily affairs, eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, buying and selling, right up to the moment of His return.

Just like they’re doing….right now! Wow! I’m convinced!

And just as God set apart His chosen ones by placing Noah and his family into the ark for safe-keeping, He will remove his Church from the seven years of tribulation that will follow the Rapture.

That’s it? The big key to know that the rapture is coming is that people are conducting their normal daily affairs?

The Rapture will also protect the church from Satan's ultimate delusion. (See 2 Thess. 2:9-12.) Jesus prophesied that before His return there would be many false messiahs and false christs (Matt. 24:23). Think about it. Anyone can stand up and say, "I am Jesus."

Too bad no one did 2000 years ago.

Anyone can wear a white robe and claim to be the descendant of King David.

And look mah-velous!

Anyone can place surgical scars in his hands and feet.

As opposed to wrists and ankles where people who are actually crucified are nailed.

How can you tell the real from the false Jesus?

Dilemmas! Dilemmas!

Not by dramatic displays of supernatural power.

Exactly. Don’t require our supernatural deities to perform supernatural acts. That would be silly!

Remember this: a man with supernatural power is not necessarily from God; the devil has supernatural power too, as do his demons.

* Begin Monty Python skit *
Run away! Run away!

So how will you know when the real Jesus comes to earth? I'll know Jesus has reappeared when my glorified body sails through the heavens past the Milky Way into the presence of God.

How about this afternoon? Does that work for you?

I'll know I'm with the real Jesus

That you can’t identify from the fake ones

when I stand in His glorious presence

When he’s, of course, showing no supernatural powers

with my brand new

And under warranty!


Or your money back!


Because you’re already dead. Tricksies!

fatigue-free body!

You go, girl!

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